Maternity – Not For The Faint Of Heart
Several decades ago, Dr. John Gray wrote a book which shot straight to the top of the best-seller lists, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.” I am one of the few people who did not read it because I felt the title was pretty much selfexplanatory. Men and women are different from one another; it is a platitude that requires no further discussion. Back in the 40s Irving Berlin wrote a song for Broadway’s “Annie Get Your Gun” and its title was “Anything You Can Do, (I Can Do Better.)” I best remember the duet as sung by Howard Keel and Betty Hutton in the film version.
I guess I am terribly old fashioned, but I identify more with Rodgers and Hammerstein’s tune from Flower Drum Song, “I Enjoy Being A Girl.” I especially liked Doris Day’s recording. There are some things I never want to do … operate heavy equipment … climb telephone poles … repair elevator shafts. And, on the other side of the coin, how often do you see a man walk door to door selling Avon or women’s lingerie at Dillards? Allow me to make my primary argument and I have chosen one specific subject to prove it … maternity!
It is my belief that God really knew what He was doing when He chose Eve to bear the children rather than Adam. I honestly do not believe the average male could handle the discomfort, fatigue, day-to-day adjustments and body changes involved … and these all come before we reach the painful part! In a nutshell, I believe the male would be just too faint of heart to undertake the condition. This point was brought to mind through a recent phone call with my great nephew. He and his wife had their first child the day after Thanksgiving and I had the opportunity to meet Miss Sara Anne the last of December. This was not a casual call since Ryan rarely phones but one with a specific question for his elderly aunt.
When I greeted him and asked how the little family was doing, he responded, “Aunt Brenda, if I had experienced one full night of sleep lately, I would say we are all doing well. Sara Ann continues to have her days and nights mixed up and she is still having colic each evening before bedtime. How long did you tell us Melissa’s colic lasted? Did you actually say it went on like eight months with you and Uncle Freemon taking turns walking her? I honestly don’t think I can make it until August.”
I tried to calm him by suggesting (again) they consult the pediatrician about changing from breast milk to formula or changing the sedative prescribed. My words made little difference, I am afraid, as he extended his venting to include other problems such as not being able to control his nausea while changing dirty diapers. I inserted a few consoling “I knows” and “I sees” during the conversation but clearly got nowhere other than being his aunt who loved him and lent a listening ear.
If, indeed, God had switched the motherhood thing in Genesis; men giving birth would be a whole ‘nother story. In fact, I‘ll go so far as to say there would be certain requirements/conditions in play…
Morning sickness would outrank COVID-19 as the nation’s number one health problem. He would rarely make it to the basin in time and then the wife would be called on for “clean up.”
Michael Strahan of “Good Morning America” would add to his personal clothing line the allimportant Paternity Suit.
Males would lobby every congressman in America to come up with a cure for stretch marks. Another “must” for the Federal Government: Maternity…er…paternity leave must last for two years – with full pay.
Cesarean sections would be the patient’s only option. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. The new style while in the office—briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they slept all night and were potty trained.
And last, but not least…TADA!....They would expect to be kept in bed for the entire nine months and ESPN would broadcast on at least 27 channels from their 72” screen positioned at the foot of the bed. Snacks, beverages, and meals to be provided by the wife.