What We Say—What We Mean

We folks here in the South have our own way of talking. We are known for our colloquialisms...our way of speaking that sets us apart from our neighbors to the North, East, and West After hearing the term “unprecedented” for the zillionth time in reference to the coronavirus, the mind plays tricks inside my head. Though I am not making light of this serious pandemic, I just have a desire to (hopefully) make you smile by blending some of the new terms we have recently learned with our old Southern lingo.

BLESS YOUR HEART—Said by a polite mask wearer when observing a non-mask wearer, sometimes vice versa.

CATTYWAMPUS: An apt description of all the things making us say, “What in the Sam Hill??” See definition further down...

FIXIN’ TO: Said in reference to a business that’s about to temporarily close, or re-open after being temporarily closed.

FULL AS A TICK: What one is after eating all the candy, chips, ice cream, Ding Dongs, and other assorted munchies eaten in one day while working (virtually) from home.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS: Said when one sees people fighting over mask-wearing or toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer or anything else in short supply.

I DECLARE: A phrase that usually ends with...”I’m so sick of staying cooped up in this house,” or “I’ll be so glad when I can hug somebody...ANYbody again!”

IF THE CREEK DON’T RISE/LORD WILLIN’: How one prefaces a strong intention to get chores or other much-needed ‘put off’ work done before settling in front of the television and switching on Netflix.

IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS: A phrase followed by another zillion things the speaker might wish he could be doing such as hitting the big buffet line at a Chinese restaurant or dancing cheek to cheek with all his nearest and dearest on the Courthouse lawn or tail-gating old-style in Austin or College Station. You choose destination.

MADDER THAN A WET HEN: Refers to any female who goes to the store only to find her favorite cleaning items are missing or “Madder than a Wet Rooster” when the one’s male relative, being sent for supplies, finds the store’s shelves empty.

OVER YONDER: Where a store employee tells Dude to stand when he gets too close to the store checkout line, which is clearly marked in six-foot distance spaces. “Get yo’ rear away from me and go stand over yonder!”

WHAT IN THE SAM HILL?: A reaction to all COVID-19 related news headlines this year. It can be extended to all 2020 political, social, business/financial (hear me, Chuck Mazak?) educational, relational, natural disaster and other BAD news.

ASYMPTOMATIC: An accidentally-on-purpose mispronunciation of the word “unsympathetic.”

CONTACT TRACING: A new form of romantic talk among quarantining couples.

FLAITEN THE CURVE: Referring to all the weight one puts on while staying “full as a tick” on all those afore mentioned snacks while stuck at home behind your “Zoom” screen.

HERD IMMUNITY: The renegade assumption that gathering maskless in close proximity with others actually makes you immune. “See, we are all in a big herd out here boogieing ourselves blind at the fraternity party off campus...we’ve got herd immunity, You Old Fogies!”

IMMUNOCOMPROMISED: An impaired or weakened tolerance for those household members with whom one has had to quarantine for waaay too long.

Now get out there, Citizens of Fayette County; bandy these terms about and astonish your fellow neighbors. BUT KEEP YOUR SOCIAL DISTANCING or you will be told to go back “over yonder” in not too polite a way!

Former La Grange resident Brenda Miles now lives in Arkansas Contact her at brenstar@att.net