Things Mama Never Told Me About Getting Older

I keep being surprised at the advantages of Old Age and I am not only speaking about senior discounts. Pleasantries abound, but are seldom listed. Everyone seems to know the disadvantages, so I will not go there.

• Throw Rugs: Mama did not warn me! Those cute little rugs are well named, and they are “The Enemy.” Every wrinkle is potential danger! Statistics describe old people who fall and cannot get back up, unless they have a little dohickey around their neck. That story does not improve one’s blood pressure.

• Balance: Mama never told me that as we age, our roller skating days are over! There may still be times when we jump up too quickly, and as the world turns (and spins) we realize that this is not a soap opera. Before moving ahead, senior voyagers, an important word to the wise is: “Stand down before you fall down!” Waiting until we get our “land legs” may be helpful in avoiding occasional staggering’s, that make us look like drunken sailors!

• Uncontrollable Matters: Advanced years may limit what we hanker to do and also hinder us doing it. But, seasoned seniors, we are practically unlimited as long as we stay in close proximity to the bathroom. And, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” is always good advice, whether it applies here or not.

• Wedding rings and so forth: A ring that no longer fits, due to arthritic fingers, can be a blessing in disguise. Valuable jewelry, safely stored in a drawer at home, may prevent one of us from being robbed, battered or horn-swaggled by ruffians. Don’t laugh, it could happen to you. Somebody wiser than Mama said: “Look for the silver lining.” To that, I say: “include gold linings too”. And my favorite: “Avoid ‘frown lines’ whenever possible.”

• Walking Canes: Never leave home without one! Handsome young men hold open doors for you or offer their arm to help you up steps! A few of the older guys may put a smile on you as well, but caution is strongly advised here: Grandpa may simply be reaching out for a hand to steady himself, same as you. Remember that your sporty little walking cane may double as a handy weapon to box the ears of anyone getting out of line. Keep in mind also, that most all of the good guys have already been taken. The Lion’s share of the fellows who are still out there, have very likely been tossed back.

• Clothing: Senior sister, rid your closet of every ugly thing in it. It is hard enough to look cute in your “glad rags’ and your “Sunday-go-tomeeting” duds, but those old, ill-fitting, baggy, tight, faded, out of date, sometimes wonderfully comfortable things, do tend to make us look like bag ladies. The magic word is recycle. Recycling clears out closets, and sets us free from the bondage of being fashionable. Learn to smile as you spend your green-back dollars, buying something bright, and sassy. The cute stuff is all in the “Misses Department” where you will find articles of stretchy fabrics that are so stretchy you can squeeze yourself into a much smaller size. Don’t look for comfort. Just be sure that you can still sit down.

• Shopping: Lovely lady, when visiting the dress shops, the first rule to remember is: Never, NEVER look into those big, awful mirrors! They are “trick” mirrors, designed to enlarge and enhance the fabrics of the clothes you are trying on. Be not deceived. Those hateful mirrors make sweet ladies (like us) who are “women with the beautiful ripeness of maturity,” appear older and a lot fatter than we actually are. (Write that down!)

• Another Birthday? Skip this one. (That’s what I’m doing) The Lord knows that it is too hot in August to celebrate anything. My Father, rest his soul, quit having birthdays at age 39 and stayed there until all three of his daughters passed him by. Daddy thoroughly enjoyed every single birthday he never had. Dad went on to live until he was about 94 years of age, but then, we still do not know for sure and certain what calendar he was using at that time.

• One more thing: When eating out with family and friends never take your teeth out and set them on the table after dinner. That advice comes from good authority from Emily Post, (or was that “Hints from Heloise?) They should know what is “couth” or “uncouth” in polite society. And if those two women afore mentioned, are still around, you can darn well bet they are glad that I had the guts to mention the painful matter of storebought teeth.

That’s all I have to say about what Mama never said. Amen.

Verta Brown lives in La Grange.