The Peace of Solitude

I was thinking about certain places being, or seeming to be, desolate; sites like open plains, thick forests, endless oceans, deserted buildings, or outer space.

And with that thought I wondered if that feeling of emptiness causes fear, sadness, freedom, concern, or peace.

As a teenager, my sanctuary was driving along county roads surrounded by fields of cotton as far as I could see. Occasionally I’d spot a farmhouse, trees surrounding and protecting it from the wind that blew dust and dirt across the west Texas landscape.

But, I felt alone and free, looking at what some would think as desolate. I would find this lack of activity peaceful. I would look across those fields of growth and be filled with a sense of relief with nothing to distract me from enjoying my random and rambling thoughts.

Tranquility and silence soothed my angst, letting my nerves relax, my reflections wander, my emotions liberated.

I could turn the radio up and attempt to harmonize with Buddy Holly and the Crickets, or roll down all the windows and feel the summer heat whip through the car.

I could ponder such heavy thoughts as why I didn’t have a boyfriend, or why I needed to escape from the family dynamics to be by myself.

I might even cry over some comment made to or about me, or push the accelerator to the floorboard and barrel down the deserted road letting my pulse rate skyrocket as I watched the speedometer reach 95 miles an hour. The terror of that risky feat or the tears rolling down my cheeks would release whatever anger, or tension or problem that brought me out to the desolate road.

I could look across the deserted flat land and let my imagination float into the endless sky, not caring where my brain might meander. I was free from expectations, demands, responsibilities… as long as I didn’t wreck the family car.

I would return home, feeling refreshed, lighter, my confidence empowered, and those holes in my soul filled with the energy from my drive through desolation.

Giving myself the courage to abandon society and venture into unknown solitude proved to be my initiation into desolate joy.