Marriage

That Little Voice

How marriages have been/are/could be structured is an interesting research project best thought about on long bus trips, and I found myself reading about people shifting how they look at those ‘ties that bind’ while heading to the Yucatan recently.

I’ve met couples who are married, have been married 30-plus years, and live apart: some in different towns, and some in the same neighbors, but in separate houses.

It is an interesting concept, not one I grew up in, and not one I’ve practiced, but it seems more and more couples are choosing that lifestyle.

Traditionally, couples have lived together, hopefully sharing responsibilities, and in more recent years, both working outside the home in order to provide adequately for a family.

But changes are beginning to surface. Historically women were dependent on men for financial security. Men brought in the money, women took care of the family, the social calendar, the home, feeding, cleaning, organizing. Women’s work hours didn’t start at 8 and end at 5.

Then women entered work places, usually earning much less than men doing the same jobs, and filling work tasks men didn’t want to do, thinking it didn’t pay enough or perhaps was beneath their abilities.

But women began to work up the professional ladder, gaining better positions, earning more money, succeeding at jobs usually held by men. Even with upward mobility, women’s wages have remained less than men’s , but getting closer to an even paying level.

Meanwhile, women continued to shoulder the major responsibilities of maintaining a home, and being the primary caregiver of the family’s children, while holding down a fulltime job. Couples began to choose to reduce the number of children they had and many opting to not have offsprings, creating a reduction in the birth rate.

When women became more financially affluent, the need to marry or stay married is becoming less appealing, especially if they do not have a partner sharing equally the chores, burdens and responsibilities of living together.

Divorced couples are finding co-parenting is doable, three nights with one parent, four nights with the other, or every other week or month alternating between homes. Sounds awkward, but I know people who are successfully sharing parental duties while living apart.

So, why be married and live across town, across alleys, across countries?

I have asked that question, and as one woman said, “I don’t really need to watch my husband brush his teeth,” and the man’s response was “waiting on her to put on makeup is less than pleasant.”

They like and care about each other. They enjoy the same things. Sharing meals with one another is a treat. But they do not have to share the same bedrooms in the same dwelling. Many couples sleep apart because one snores, or one wants to watch the late show on TV while the other wants peace and quiet by 9 p.m.

The pressures of joint or co-living are reduced dramatically when each person can eat what they want when they want and where they want, and then come together when the time works for each.

This change in the rules and ways of marriage takes some adjusting, with a heavy dose of not worrying what neighbors will think, creative thinking and planning, and recognizing this is an arrangement beneficial to both individuals. It is not a winning and losing proposition, but rather a life style alternative becoming more popular by both parties.

Duplex living may come back into vogue. Send the kids through the door to the other side of the house on your ‘off’ days. Worry not, they will be back in a couple of days or nights.