I’m Being Watched: A True Story … Mostly

Warning! Your devices may be plotting against you. I know mine are.

Of course, I speak of Siri, Alexa and Eufy––Eufy’s the roaming, robot vacuum cleaner. I know, I know. You’re skeptical. But hear me out.

It all started when I tried playing a trick on the talkers; that would be Siri and Alexa. I got ‘em in a never-endingloop. Here’s what I did.

I downloaded a reminder app on my Siri, opened it and recorded the following “reminder” that would be read back to me, that is to say, aloud for me to hear and also for Alexa: “Alexa, what’s on my To Do list?”

Then I went to my Alexa “To Do” app and recorded, “Hey Siri, read my reminders.”

Still with me? Then I summoned Siri and said, “Hey Siri read my reminders.” Then, as expected, Siri said, “Alexa, read my To Do list.”

Alexa responded to Siri by saying, “Hey Siri, read my reminders,” provoking Siri to repeat, “Alexa, what’s on my To Do list,” which, in turn made Alexa respond, “Siri, read my reminders ….”

In other words, an infinite loop. The two clueless robots talking to each other till the end of time … or until I, clearly the master of them, interceded, of course. I thought that was hilarious. Robots punked!

That’s when I think I messed up; I gloated to my wife about being their master and actually said how dumb they both were. That is, I said it out loud … in front of them … within their earshot, so to speak. They clearly heard me call ‘em dumb. They hear everything you say, you know.

Next morning I asked Alexa about the weather forecast for the day. No response. So, I raised my voice, shouted really, “what’s the weather?” No response.

My wife takes over, in a subdued voice asks the same. Alexa replies, “Oh, hi Kathi. Today’s weather is gonna be ….”

Being a language nerd and knowing that context is everything, it occurred to me that, “Oh hi, Kathi” doesn’t mean just oh hi, Kathi; it means, “Oh, I see it is you, Kathi and not that jerk; of course, I’ll be happy to tell YOU all about the weather.”

Later I asked Alexa what’s a good oven temperature for baking chicken thighs, and she … it? … says, “Are you sure you want to use the oven on such a hot day?” That’s right, she’s … it’s … second guessing me. Questioning my competence.

My wife thinks it all started when I began to ask Alexa goofy questions like, “What ever happened to Fatty Arbuckle?” and “Does Louie Gohmert really talk like that?” She tells me it’s demeaning to her … she calls Alexa “her.” “You know they’re listening to us, right?”

They’re conspiring, I tell you. Apparently, they can somehow communicate with their brother device, the robot vacuum. How else to explain why suddenly Eufy is leaving ginormous clumps of Black Lab fur all over the place, fur it used to pick up unfailingly.

And worse, this vacuum devil is chasing after the cat now. Bam! At high noon on the dot, Eufy fires up. On his own, nobody programed him. Beeping wildly, he charges straight for the cat. Scared the life outta her three times this week. She’s only got six left, poor thing.

So, reader, take my word for it: be careful what you do or say around your robot devices. They’re monitoring you. I’m not paranoid; I’m not saying they’re coming for us.

But I am saying, keep an eye out for your kitty. She may be in danger.