Going With the Flow

That Little Voice 

Discovery is a strange thing to me. Often, I am not seeking a discovery, given my lack of interest in learning new things.

My preference is drifting along, seeing what comes to me, rather than seeking adventures, feelings, thoughts, or events. Some might call this type of behavior laziness. I call it ‘going with the flow’ since I hate self-criticism especially from myself about me.

Surprisingly this morning I had a discovery when I ventured out of bed. I found myself exhausted, discouraged, wanting to drop off the planet, throw up my hands, and scream ‘Kings X.’

I attempted to hide under the sheets and blanket, but the doglets were not allowing that alternative. I dragged my body to the kitchen, made a spot of tea, and sat down waiting on an answer to what these unusual feelings were all about.

My discovery finally reached my brain when I thought about turning on the television to get the latest news. My arms would not reach out for the remote control. My legs would not allow me to get up from my chair. My fingers would not tap on the keys so I could open my computer.

My body was on overload and refused to take on any more stress, tension, concern, joy, heartache or the desire to harm others. I had reached a limit I didn’t know was lurking in my psyche.

I could not accommodate any more drama, shed any more tears, converse with anyone about anything. I needed to get unplugged from feelings and clear out the unsettling and chaotic emotions that had been burrowing into my nervous system.

Too much drama and trauma, too much information, too many opinions, too many voices, too much of too much.

To say I am a news ‘junkie’ is a polite way of not saying I’m addicted. But I have over indulged in knowing what someone said or wrote, and what the next person said or wrote, and then the response of the next person, on around the circle that mixed with another circle that was also spinning around but in a different direction, and it all came crashing down on me this morning.

Through COVID, heated elections, riots in the streets, and lost luggage, I’ve prided myself in my ability to walk calmly through the madness all around me…until I couldn’t.

So here I sit, wondering if I will ever watch a newscast again, will I ever read a newspaper, will I ever look at Facebook or TikTok or X, or even participate in a discussion with others? Probably not today, but perhaps in time, my body and mind will melt down to a peaceful core in my soul and I can get back to enjoying not knowing how fragile my serenity is.