Engaging Tongue Before Applying Filter

A faithful reader from my Russellville, Arkansas, paper, Sarah R., wrote back when I complained to her that it was getting more and more difficult to come up with new subjects for my monthly columns. After almost fifteen years, I have exhausted my old diaries I’ve kept since the 50’s (my previous “go to” for ideas) and now I’m left with whatever subject that pops into my mind. Waiting for my writing muse to rescue me, frustration often turns to panic when deadlines grow near. Sarah asked if I’d ever thought of “Foot in the Mouth” experiences and related a personal example. She worked in a bank and one day a very well dressed older lady came to her desk for consultation regarding her accounts. While looking over the file, Sarah reminded the woman her $20,000 certificate of deposit would “maNure” in six months. Yep, we have all misspoke at one time or another and embarrassed ourselves, so I interviewed a few folks for suggestions. I also remembered a few “zingers” I had overheard.

A friend from church, Shelly W., told me this story. Her father was the pastor of their church. One day when she was a teenager and was expecting her girlfriend to call her back, she answered the home phone announcing, “Joe’s Funeral Parlor; you stab ‘em; we slab ‘em!” The voice on the other end announced he was the funeral director at a local mortuary and needed to speak to the pastor about a funeral service the following day.

Another church friend, Julie M., told her story. She answered a busily ringing phone at work, “Waggin’ Wheel Veterinary Clinic. This is Julie, will you please hold me?” The man on the line said, “I would, but I’m not sure I know you that well, Julie.”

Once while in the grocery store, I was in the 20 or less items line. The lady in front of me had caused all kinds of trouble with the checkout clerk. She could not understand why avocados advertised at 78 cents in the former week’s paper were now 99 cents a day after the sale ran out. She even called on a stocker to ask if he had restocked the bin that day. When he said, “Not yet,” she went into a rant—why was she paying 20 cents more for yesterday’s avocados? This rant went on for several minutes while the rest of us in line waited. Next, the checker told her she had too many items for the line because she had two different kinds of apples, two different types of potatoes, and two types of lettuce which amounted to too many items. The lady became incensed until the befuddled checker processed her sale anyway while the rest of the line continued to grow.

When the lady walked away after being wished “A good day,” she turned back to the register and said, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I enter this store again!” After the lady was out of sight, the checker muttered, “I hope to God she means that!” before changing her frown to a smile to ask if I had found everything I needed okay.

Another friend, Allison R., told me about one of her shopping experiences. While in a large store, one of her toddlers began to cry and yell, “Potty! Potty!” Allison approached the first associate she saw and asked, “Where are your toilets?” The young girl looked confused for a moment before answering, “This Target does not sell toilets.”

A reader in Texas had a daughter who once worked at a Waffle House where the trainees were drilled in ‘stock statements’ to greet and say good-bye to all customers as they arrived and left. One of the young girl’s duties was to unlock the unisex toilet when needed. After paying his check, one man requested she open the bathroom. After unlocking it, he thanked her and she answered with, “Have a good one!”

A few months ago I was having a manicure at a local salon which was quite busy on a Friday afternoon. One lady had just finished getting her pedicure and the nail tech put the spongy separators between her toes for her to walk across to the manicure side. After the man manicurist had wrapped her nails she asked him to check if her toes were dry yet. He leaned down out of sight to see and before he reappeared, she said, “And while you are down there will you also pull down my pants?” The entire salon burst into laughter.

And, in case any of you missed the story of my biggest faux pas of all time (even though I was only four years of age), I will repeat it. My older brother was having a graduation party at our home and had warned Mother, “Under no circumstance, do not allow Brenda to make an appearance while my friends are here!” However, I did sneak in behind Mother when she went in to pick up empty plates and napkins. Suddenly several of the pretty girls (wanting to make points with my handsome brother) began to “go on” over me before Bobby had time to motion to Mother to get me out of the room. I knew immediately I needed to make conversation in order that I might be allowed to stay longer, so I addressed my brother with a common question that Mother often asked me, “Bobby, have your bowels moved today?”

Brenda Miles is an award-winning columnist and author living in Hot Springs Village. She responds to mail sent to brenstar@att.net