On Narcissism

To the Editor:

About a year ago, I happened to begin a new course of learning. I clicked on an online video of a man named Dr. Les Carter. Dr. Carter it turns out is also a Texan, in addition to being both hugely knowledgeable and warmly endearing he has made a large number of online videos on the subject of narcissism. I would have said that it was a kind of personality state that consisted of self-centeredness, selfishness, and often arrogance. Well, listening to Dr. Carter I began to realize that there was a lot more to learn about narcissm than I’d ever imagined. I realized just how many people I’d encountered in my lifetime, were and are narcissists. There have been family members, neighbors, doctors, nurses, co-workers, bosses, children, teenagers, and repairmen. They are in every category and they don’t all come across in exactly the same way.

Many narcissists have an abnormal need to try to control, diminish, and manipulate others and have a mean-spirited competitiveness about them. Acquiring power is often a featured goal. They exhibit meanness often rather than kindness, yet this usually goes on privately so that those they want to impress are not privy to their real characters. Having a conscience is not a constant desire for them; it is more a matter of convenience in various situations.

Having the last word is more important to them than doing the right thing or caring about the consequences to others, including helpless others who are in their care. Many of them lie a lot. It takes a while to know what and who you are really dealing with, if you’re not around them regularly.

If you’re a person of good intentions and love, you don’t deserve to have your self-esteem and life played with by defective beings like these. You can learn how to draw the line and limit or end contact with them.

Loving and forgiving does not work with narcissists. You can not fix them. You can work on fixing yourself.

Melissa Balivet La Grange